I listened to a podcast recently that stated that addiction feeds off isolation, and that you need to set ego aside and get the courage to ask for help. It also went on to say that recovery while isolated is highly unlikely as we all need support, accountability and the tools to help us.
It is so true.
This addiction is so embarrassing to share that I battled recovery on my own for over a decade…unsuccessfully. I mentioned it every now and then to family and friends, but then we never talked about it again (I mean it’s not like this is an uplifting or even comfortable topic), or I would minimize it if they did bring it up. I have felt so many things in this isolation over the years:
- Discontentment…like there is just something missing.
- Unable to “fully” connect with people – sure I connect with them, in fact I love people, but there is always this “thing” hanging over me and the thoughts consume a lot of my brain (side note: there is some irony in using the word consume for my thoughts and it also meaning to eat , drink or ingest, with synonyms like devour, gobble up, wolf down, gorge oneself on).
- Imposter Syndrome – I feel no-one truly knows me – kind of like “if only they knew”. I often get told how positive I am, and that people wished they were as organized and strong as me. They have no idea that I have such a huge burden that weighs me down every. single. day.
- Emotional – my mood swings are all over the map…up, down, up, down, sideways. If I am eating clean I feel in control and on top of things, when I eat sugar or binge I feel great, when I have purged I feel defeated, sad, angry, frustrated.
- Alone – until now, and finally getting a counsellor, I have felt I couldn’t talk to anyone because 1. It’s uncomfortable for them and I and 2. They don’t understand. I have so many wonderful friends and a great family, and yet I feel so alone in this journey.
- Scared – I am scared I will always struggle with food, scared I will get sick from this (like think heart attack), scared I will always have to be on guard…for triggers.
I don’t quite feel I am out of isolation yet, but by seeking help, I feel like Winnie the Pooh in the story where he is out of honey and goes to Rabbits house to get some and eats all of the honey Rabbit has. He gets stuck trying to leave, and the story goes on (its actually quite adorable…although at the heart of it, for those of us with an eating disorder its quite sad if you think of it on the deeper level)…ending with his friends finally pulling him out of the hole. I feel like by reaching out for help, I am going to get pulled out of the rabbit hole, but like Pooh, it will take awhile.
Now…unlike Pooh, I hope to learn how to not dive into the next thing of honey – he is after all a character whose story is written for him, while I am a human and writing and living my own story. I want a different ending…it can end with being pulled out of the rabbit hole, and until then, I will just keep hanging on and keeping faith.
#bulimiarecovery #day8 <~ YES!! I made it one week…it was a long one, and exhausting, but here we are working on Week 2, Day 1.