#permission

permission

Do you believe in signs?

I do.

They say that signs appear in your life to guide you.

I went into my first appointment with my new counsellor yesterday with an open mind – ready to see if we “fit” and if I could work with her through this journey of recovery.  The first thing I saw on the wall in her room was a hummingbird carving. This wasn’t just any carving, but the exact one that hangs in my home in the entrance way. In Native American culture, hummingbirds are seen as healers and bringers of love, good luck and joy.

Instantly I felt calmer.

This didn’t feel like the last time. The room was inviting with places to sit or lie down, and it had a homey feeling to it. I felt like I could have been sitting at a friends house with a glass of wine, but without the wine. I feel like a glass of wine would have really helped relax me more, but this was something I had to do without any liquid courage. My intuition whispered, “It will be ok, just be brave.”

We talked, and talked…well, ok, I mostly talked while she patiently listened. When I am nervous I ramble…a lot. Thinking back, I talked about anything and everything, then asked her if I was doing this whole counselling thing right. Was I wasting the time I could be getting help by rambling on?

She said it was my journey, and that there would come a time for her to interrupt and that, if I choose to work with her, there may even be moments or days when I didn’t like her very much as we dive deeper. I am sure there will never be a moment where I like her less than I currently like myself. But here we were and I was taking the first step to not only re-learning to like myself, but to finally learn to love myself.

The thing that made the biggest impact was when she said I “could” get better.  I just had to make it through today, and then tomorrow, and… I have heard this before, and I have said it to myself before, and I have had many days and weeks that I have made it through, but this time it felt different.

This time, it felt like I was finally given #permission

Permission: To give someone an opportunity to do something. Opportunities. To have, or to take advantage of, an opportunity.

Yes, this time…it felt different.

Maybe because I am finally ready?

She told me anytime I feel the urge to binge, to write, so here I am.

Writing.

Getting the thoughts out of my head and out in the universe.

Will someone read this one day – who knows? But for me and for now, that does not matter because I’ve got work to do.

#bulimiarecovery

#day3

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